If I coulda, woulda, shoulda...

I've given myself 20 minutes right now to try to completely DUMP my thoughts, so here goes:

As many of you can tell by reading my blog, I have been going thru a lot of self evaluation in the past month. What makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me anxious? If I was given the opportunity to change my life right here and now, what kind of changes would I make?

1) I would QUIT my job! Not out of unhappiness in my job, but because I would rather be spending my day with my boys and doing my other full time job, of which my primary responsibilities include "Home Management and Case Management for two boys with special needs!" I can just see it now...business cards will be arriving soon!

I've already proven to myself that I CANNOT do that job AND work 30 hours a week...just can't do it! Physically, my body CAN do it, but emotionally and mentally I CANNOT do it! It has completely wore me down to breaking point...(yes, I do break!...consider yourself lucky if you didn't realize that fact!) And in the last year alone, I have broke at least 3-4 times! That tells me something! It tells me that our current plan (the rat race life we are currently living) is not working...so I need to abandon ship and move onto plan B! Kelly tells me to "do whatever I want to do...WHATEVER makes me happy...he wants me to be happy!" WOW...that is really a powerful statement and I honestly believe that he means it! I think I am getting closer and closer everyday to figuring out that plan B! I am so energized and relieved that I am figuring things out! I have a renewed spirit and know that things are going to work out! This is really an exhilarating and freeing process!

2) I would completely organize my life! For me personally, organization gives me a lot of personal satisfaction! I love it when everything is in it's place and everyone knows where that place is! I would organize our day so my boys would know EXACTLY what we are doing. Some of you may be laughing as you are reading this, but those that truly know me know that THIS IS ME!...and it WILL happen!

3) I would be happy and as a result, my kids and my husband would be happy! Don't we all know that "when momma's happy, everyone's happy" and likewise, "when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Even Logan (my 2 year old) has that figured out! He is constantly asking, "Mommy, happy?"

4) I would have dinner at our dining room table (rather than at our kitchen counter like we currently do)! And we would sit around the dining room table and talk about our day...and we would all ENJOY talking about our day with each other!

5) I would read the boys "chapter books" just because I want to spend time with them and be next to them...and they would enjoy and listen to my reading!

6) I would put together picture schedules for EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING! (and I would share them with my sister, 'cause I know she could use them too!) These picture schedules would help the boys know how to do certain processes that we do every day including:
- Morning Routine (already done)
- Daytime Routine
- Evening Routine
- Meal/snack time- wash hands, eat food, put dishes in dishwasher, wash hands & face
- Mealtime rules
- Brush teeth- pick toothpaste, put toothpaste on toothbrush, brush teeth, spit, rinse toothbrush, drink water, wipe mouth
- Going Potty- Pull pants down, sit on toilet, go potty, wipe bottom, pull up pants, flush toilet, wash hands
- Going out into public rules- Make good choices, which are using walking feet, gentle touches, quiet voices and listening ears.
- House Rules (havent' formalized them yet)
- believe me, there WILL be more!

7) I would wake up BEFORE the boys, get myself dressed and ready for the day....then sneak down the hall to the kitchen and make myself a yummy latte, basque in the beauty of the quiet and peaceful morning... and do what "I want to do for 45 minutes!

8) I would enjoy reading for pleasure...and my mind would NOT wander!

9) I would enjoy "being there" for my boys...sick, well, happy or sad!

10) I would slow down enough to "teach" my boys the process of how to do things rather than rushing to do them all myself. As a dear friend of mine always says, "You know, we are not raising boys here...we are raising future MEN! We need to be raising the kind of man that would make us happy to have in our lives. I want their wives to be able to come to me later and say "Thank you for giving me such a wonderful husband!"

Well...I think that's about it for now! Oh darn it...20 minutes was up quite a long time ago! Oh well...this was nice to get out of my head and onto paper (OK...well, onto the internet). Since I have recently started blogging and journaling, I am really, truly enjoying this! I so need to get it all out...and I may as well share it with you! Maybe someone out there can benefit from my thoughts and I can save them from going through what I went through...before I surrendered! Thank you Kelly for supporting me through this process...I love you dearly!

Take care all!